Dear God, It’s Me Erica.

I feel, and fear, I have reached a bit of a standstill in my Innernet Search, and in my ability to turn my personal goals that float in and out of focus inside my head into something REAL. I fear I’m hiding behind “I don’t know again” – telling myself I don’t know what I want, or how to find it and go after it. Part of me thinks this is an excuse, and yet part of me really thinks that this is the truth.

In all honesty, I feel like I’ve been running on autopilot for four years –going through the motions of college life. I arrived at Carnegie Mellon four years ago already having selected a major!! This sounds totally ludicrous to me in retrospect, but it is completely 100% normal at this school. I became a Civil Engineer, I think because other people suggested that I might be good at it, or that I might like it. My dad is a Civil Engineer, and some part of me probably wanted to gain his approval. All of the other reasons I mentioned in my first blog entry are true, but just not the whole truth. In four years, I never strayed. Not even once, to see if maybe I would prefer something else, and now in January of my senior year, I don’t feel like a Civil Engineer, and I don’t really feel like much of anything.

I get that this is a self-deprecating thing to say, and maybe it’s not entirely true and I am just being hormonal right now. But the funny thing is that I feel a bit like a broken record when a new acquaintance asks me what I study – is it really Civil Engineering? Or is that just the department in which I took the most classes because at 18, I had no f*ing clue what else to do? Last night at 1am, I was filling out a profile for myself for a Newsweek Women’s Leadership conference that I was nominated to attend in New York this weekend, and I was asked, in 250 words, to explain my vision of a better world 30 years from now. I feel like I have answered some version of this question eighty-two times: in my Truman and Udall Scholarship applications, in interviews, at other conferences I’ve attended. At this point, I hardly have to stop and think about the answer because I can so easily just write what I’ve been writing for the past few years. Write about the environment. Write about sustainable development. Write about water. These are things I care about, but I am starting to feel that at 21, I have already put myself into a BOX!!

I have always had long, flowing hair that everyone loved. People said, wow, Erica has such great hair. It was always about the hair, and in my freshman year of college, I was so SICK of being defined by my hair that I chopped it all off. That is what I feel like now. I feel like I’ve been packaged to fit nicely on a one-page resume, and sometimes (like right now) all I want to do is just say, screw it! I’m shaving my head. I’m starting over. I AM GOING TO UN-PACKAGE AND UN-EDUCATE AND DECONSTRUCT MYSELF, AND FIGURE OUT WHO I REALLY AM.

But for some reason it’s not that easy to undo 16 years of schooling in which I’ve followed a structure that has brought me to the place I am at right now. Is it reasonable or responsible for me to start questioning every single thing that I thought I cared about? I feel I’ve gotten so good at doing what other people suggested that I do: apply for this scholarship, apply for that summer program, send that extra email, don’t you really want it? Maybe I want it. Maybe I’m tired of applying for external approval and recognition for things I may or may not love, for things that may or may not be true to ME.

I’ve felt lost before. And in these times, I have friends and family who try to “get me back on track” and remind me of the things that I care about (or the things I’ve said I cared about). Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out… you always figure it out and you always do something great. Talk about pressure.

I guess what I’m saying is that I really want to stop asking people, and listening to people about what I should do. I want to stop reading self-help books about other people who have figured it out. I want to stop applying for things because the opportunity showed up in my Inbox, and it matches all the other things I’ve done before so why not.

Over break, I had many, many, many conversations with my sister Hillary (currently a freshman at Duke) about her path. She was afraid that she did not have a clear path, worried about not having picked (like a flower) a major, and she wanted to make sure that she selected a set of classes for her spring semester that were really representative of the things she is interested in. My initial reaction was to say that the classes one takes in his or her freshman year of college don’t really matter so much, and so there’s no need to stress about creating the perfect schedule. But I realize now that it’s not about classes. It’s about striking a balance between who one is as a person, and what is expected of members of a college community. Sometimes it’s so difficult (at least for me) to shut myself off from all of the voices that constantly surround me, and play over and over in my head about what I should do. I practice yoga so that I can learn to find my own voice amongst all the others, but I’m not quite at that point where the volume of my soul is loud enough for me to hear over all the noise.

I don’t necessarily want to “tie up” this entry with a nice little bow, because that is exactly what I am trying not to do with myself. So, I’m just going to leave you with those thoughts…

Let Go

Today's post is a guest entry, written by my friend and classmate at Carnegie Mellon, Anna Lenhart. Anna is a senior in Civil Engineering and Engineering and Public Policy, and is looking to leave her mark on this planet. Read on...

Our generation of achievers was raised with a “do, do, do, network, search, apply” mentality that is incredibly difficult to let go of. To some, the thought of not worrying about next year is absurd, but the funny thing is that when we stop worrying about tomorrow, we begin to connect to and understand the experience we are in today.

February of my junior year, a culmination of illness and apathy for schoolwork encouraged me to take a leave of absence from school. I realized that I could return to my hometown and pick-up a part time job, but that wasn’t the break I was looking for. I wanted to feel alive again. I wanted to feel connected. I had no degree and little experience outside of academia, so for me it wasn’t about figuring out what I wanted to do for a year, it was about finding something to keep me alive for a year – emotionally and physically (providing enough money to put food on my plate). I had met some Americorps VISTAs over spring break and decided to apply to the program.

When I began the Americorps application process, I was looking for some kind of environmental activist organization that would provide me with experience for my Environmental Engineering, Engineering and Public Policy resume. Understanding that the west coast is on the forefront of environmental activism, I applied to every VISTA position that seemed somewhat fitting to my skill set.

As you can imagine, I was surprised when I received a call from Shakti Rising, a social change organization in San Diego that empowers young women and girls often recovering from co-existing illnesses such as addiction, depression and eating disorders, in reference to an RD position. When I submitted my application to Shakti Rising I thought RD meant Research and Development, a position that would be well suited for someone with my level of research experience… It meant Resource Development.

In that interview I learned more about this life-saving organization, and after a second interview (despite my lack of fundraising experience) Shakti Rising decided to offer me the position. At the same time, the 4-H state office in Vermont offered me a VISTA position as an agricultural/environmental engineering instructor – the kind of position that would be perfect on my resume.

The decision preoccupied my mind for a week, and on the day I was supposed to make my decision between an opportunity that seemingly had my name written all over it, and another in which I had no background experience, Erica told me to throw a coin in the air. As the coin hit the ground, before I saw my fate, she told me to ask myself, “What do I want to see – heads or tails?”

Three weeks later I was on a plane to San Diego. I had one year before I knew I would return to Carnegie Mellon, one year to simply LIVE.

The year of service did 2 things: (1) it shifted my perspective on life, and (2) it highlighted my skill set in concurrence with my passions. Non-profits offer their staff and volunteers the opportunity to not only heal through service but to test their skills on various organizational challenges. As the assistant to the Director of Resource Development, I struggled to help the organization raise money through grants and donor relations. I was, however very perceptive of the way things operated and the way information was transferred and stored in the organization, and had several ideas for improvement. Shakti Rising graciously allowed me to try my hand at designing a Client Relations Management (CRM) system for their organization (which was risky considering that I had NO experience with the system, or databases of any sort). Needless to say, the system is up and running, and I still assist with making it more user friendly and effective. The whole experience shed light on my ability to see the big-picture of an operation and my ability to teach myself whatever skills I need to execute a project I am passionate about.

Do I know what I am going to do next year? Nope, not a clue. Am I worried? Nope, not at all. I know that there are plenty of organizations out there that have a missions I believe in, and I know from experience that when I believe in a mission I can direct my skill set to make change. So I guess I do know what I am going to do next year - I am going to change the world.

Sometimes it is not about looking for what you want to do, it is about telling the world what you believe in (through a resume, application or email) and letting yourself experience something.

Searching for Jobs á la Smorgasbord

Last night, I read the following passage from a book my mom gave me to read, Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés:

“Imagine a smorgasbord laid out with whipped cream and salmon and bagels and roast beef, and fruit salad, and green enchiladas and rice and curry and yogurt and many, many things for table after table after table. Imagine your survey it all and that you see certain things that appeal to you. You remark to yourself, ‘Oh! I would really like to have one of those, and one of that, and some of this other thing.’ Some women and men make all their life decisions in the way. There is around and about us a constant beckoning world, one which insinuates itself into our lives, arousing and creating appetite where there was little or none before. In this sort of choice, we choose a thing because it happened to be beneath our noses at that moment in time. It is not necessarily what we want, but it is interesting, and the longer we gaze at it, the more compelling it becomes.”

I thought about the times I have done something because it was convenient, all the while subconsciously convincing myself that it was exactly what I wanted to do. I thought about how easy it is to get sucked into this trap in which what is available is more enticing than it would otherwise be, just because I am desperate for something. I thought about relationships I have had not because we were compatible, but because I wanted a boyfriend, and he was there. And then I thought about Teach for America, a program I applied for because it looked interesting, and I felt I needed a plan.

Sometime around October, my friends started getting job offers. All of a sudden, it seemed that people had plans for next year, and that my friends and professors and family expected me to have an idea of what I was going to do after graduation. But I didn’t have a plan, and what’s more, I hated answering the “future” question with an apprehensive, “I don’t know yet.” I wanted to be able to provide an answer just so I could rid myself of the uncertainly.

I first entertained the idea of applying for Teach for America at a time when I thought I wanted to spend one year doing non-profit, water-related work outside of the U.S. before applying to graduate school. All of my googling had left me disillusioned when I started to realize that non-profits don’t typically hire students straight out of college. And even if I could land a job, or secure an internship, how would I possibly choose between the thousands of non-profits that do the kind of work I might be interested in?

Suddenly, a two-year teaching program in the U.S. that was actively recruiting engineering students (an opportunity that did not line up with the priorities I had previously laid out for myself) started to look really intriguing. After sending in my application, and being selected for a phone interview, I felt the excitement building: I was finally close to having a plan! I thought about how awesome it would be to teach math and science to disenchanted students. I thought about interactive learning experiments we might do, field trips we could take, and how I would decorate my classroom. I thought about the impact I would have on the future leaders of our country, and how it would be an incredible learning opportunity for me to work in this environment.

My fantasies put me in a state of denial about what I truly wanted to do next year. Teach For America appeared on the smorgasbord alongside roast beef and yogurt and green enchiladas, and I started to realize that I never asked myself what I was actually hungry for. As you might have guessed, I was not accepted into the TFA program. For various reasons that I attribute to fate, (because I was too blinded to differentiate between what I wanted and what was convenient) my phone interview was a disaster, and only after I hung up the phone did I admit to myself that it wasn’t what I wanted, after all.

Clarissa Pinkola Estés says that most of the time, what we want is probably not on the smorgasbord. “We will have to quest for it a little bit – sometimes for a considerable time. But in the end we shall find it, and be glad we took soundings about our deeper longings.”

I'm the kind of person that will make the most of any situation, and I know that Teach For America would have been a meaningful experience. But I'm realizing that I don't want to live the kind of life where I'm making decisions based on what's easy and accessible and possible at the moment. I think, at least for now, I'd rather sit with the uncertainty and know that when I do finally decide to reach for something, it will be because I have been honest with myself about what I want.