Just Apply, Already! And Also, More Confusion.

In the midst of all of this internal dialogue, confusion, and self-doubt, I applied for a bunch of jobs. On the Google homepage, I entered every permutation of the following keywords: water, environment, teaching, education, food, agriculture, policy, engineering, recent college graduate, unconventional, bicycle, non-profit, foundation, development, sanitation, public health, alternative energy, international, farming, organic, … you get the idea! I searched job-posting websites like environmentaljobs.com and read career blogs that featured a new, interesting job listing everyday. I tore out Outside magazine’s feature on the Top 50 Places to Work, watched TED talks to learn about interesting organizations, searched Idealist.org regularly, and filtered through career center websites at universities that promote opportunities in the non-profit world.

Here is a sampling of some of the jobs I applied to, people I emailed, and organizations I contacted:

(1) Nuru – non-profit that does development projects in Africa

(2) World Bicycle Relief – non-profit that hooks kids in Africa up with indestructible bicycles so that they can ride to and from school everyday

(3) Oxfam – non-profit working to find solutions to international poverty and injustice

(4) Water for People – non-profit based in Denver that designs and implements drinking water projects in developing countries

(5) The Green School – international school in Bali, Indonesia (constructed out of bamboo) that emphasizes holistic education

(6) Bicycle City – develops cities for people, not for cars. There’s one currently under construction in South Carolina.

(7) Mark Bittman – NY Times columnist who promotes health and sustainability in America through the lens of food and agriculture. (I sent him a few emails, to no avail.)

(8) National Geographic – one of the world’s largest scientific and educational organizations, promoting environmental and historical conservation and world culture through photography, journalism, travel, etc.

(9) World Resources Institute – independent, non-partisan, environmental think tank

(10) PEW Center for Global Climate Chance – think tank focusing on climate change

The list goes on. For the hell of it, and also because I thought it’d be awesome to learn how to farm, I applied for a job as garden staff at Blackberry Farms in Tennessee. I applied for the Global Health Corps to work with a public health non-profit in Africa. I applied to work for Conservacion Patagonica to help construct a National Park in Patagonia, and to the Oliverian School in New Hampshire – an alternative boarding school (located on a farm) for kids needing a different kind of educational environment. I applied to be a water engineer/scientist at Oklahoma University, and when I decided I might need to be more open-minded, I even applied to work at CH2MHill – a civil engineering company.

Throughout this process, I struggled to feel as if I had any sort of direction at all. I needed more experience to know what I wanted to do, and until then, I was just throwing darts at a board encompassing all of my potential interests, hoping that one or two would stick.

With graduation soon approaching, I had received no response from most (if not all) of the places I applied to work. This was quite frustrating – did they forget that there was a human being with feelings and a timeline on the other side of that email application? My most disappointing experience was with the World Resources Institute, where I had applied on April 6^th for a fall internship. I sent personalized emails to the HR director, and asked a family friend if he would send an email on my behalf to a man he had worked with in the past who was now on the Board of Directors at WRI. I called and left voicemails for the HR director, and went down to DC to personally drop off my resume and cover letter. Even if I were completely under-qualified (I don’t think I was) for the position, I would have appreciated an email saying “Sorry, you’re not who we are looking for.” Is that so unreasonable? Is that too much to ask for?

There were moments when I definitely felt hopeless. Someone, please, explain how a graduate of Carnegie Mellon University could have so much trouble landing a job I’m excited about? Or feel so lost in this entire process? Was it naïve of me to venture out onto this unconventional path? Some of my friends were having success finding jobs at engineering companies – is this something I should reconsider?

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On May 4^th, I wrote the following journal entry:

I don’t know if I have ever felt in such a state of emotional flux as I do now. I keep going back and forth between feelings of happiness and excitement (which I have taken to be my normal self) and feelings of confusion, sadness and uncertainty. And I haven’t given myself enough time and space to sort through all of these feelings and understand where they are all coming from.

Firstly, I feel bittersweet about graduating from college, and beginning the next chapter of my life. I have grown so much in the past four years and I feel ready to take that jump into the “real world” (I hate that term), but the fact that I do not know where I will be or what I will be doing after I graduate makes it difficult for me to get excited about the next step. As I feel myself before more detached from my CMU community, I do not yet have a sense that I will land on 2 feet when it comes time for me to say goodbye to this part of my life.

Secondly, I am still very overwhelmed by the shear number of paths I might embark upon, and also concerned about the seeming elusiveness of all of the opportunities that I have tried, unsuccessfully, to reach out and grab. I could literally do whatever I want next year, and the infinite possibility has almost paralyzed me in a state of fear. What is worse is that I am so busy listening to other people’s suggestions that I haven’t really taken the time to sort through my own thoughts. For example, I applied to work at the World Resources Institute, and since then, got myself all excited about living and working in DC… but is that really what I want? To live in a city and work in an office building where people go outside for cigarette breaks and sit and a desk for 8 hours a day and wear nice, business attire?

One of the things I have learned about myself is that I can make myself happy wherever I am. Yes, I would love to live in a place where I can ride my bike everywhere and play outside in the mountains and breathe fresh air, but if that fantasy doesn’t becomes a reality for me next year, I know I will be able to supplement my experience with the things I need to make my life feel complete, whether it be weekend trips, yoga, etc. But why am I thinking about supplementing a life with things to try to make an okay situation better, when I’m not even tied down to an okay situation in the first place? Why don’t I just aim for a great situation! Okay, so what would this look like? What are my preferences?

Based on my preferences, I guess I should just keep opening doors that will lead me in this general direction, and eventually something will work out, right? But what if I continue to get no response? Where would I go and what would I do, if I have decided that I don’t want to go back to New York? Point to a place on the map, and move there? How far away do I want to go? Do I want to stay in the US? Do I want to stay close to my friends and family?

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You can imagine just how confused I was feeling! I will tell you that this story has a happy ending (for now)… and I can say this because it is now September 1^st, and I have had a great summer and I have a job that I am really excited about. But, I will save those stories for a later entry.